new frontiers (issue 7)

Ye Olde Frontiers 1994 Almanac

JANUARY Its late January already, all the predictions for January have come true. No point repeating them now.

FEBRUARY Steve Cooper scores a goal. Vinny Jones joins Liverpool. To make the Premiership race more open, Manchester United players are forced to play with their boot laces tied together. They still manage to beat Swindon. Paul barnes scores 4.

MARCH Graeme Souness pays a million and beats the transfer deadline to sign Terry Hurlock, "I'm delighted, Terry's ball playing skills will make the world of difference in midfield". Transfer deadline rumours of Barnes, McCarthy, Pepper and Kiely moving on to better things are unfounded as no bids are made for any of them. Steve Cooper scores twice and catches the eye of Jack Charlton as he scours the country (actually, every country) for a target man to replace the injured Niall Quinn in America. Millions make advance payments to electricity and gas companies to beat VAT. Manchester United crowned league champions. Alex Ferguson has a whine. Barnes scores 3, rumours of bust up on coach after away defeat not substantiated.

APRIL Steve Cooper scores on his Eire debut in a friendly against Japan. His eligibility confirmed as he previously lived on Merseyside where the wind blows off the Irish Sea. His aerial dominance earns him the man of the match award. Rangers crowned Scottish champions. Another crisis at Barnet. This time the crisis is that they haven't had a crisis for 2 months.

MAY Steve Cooper is in the Eire squad for the World Cup. Gloom for 2 of his City team mates as they are given free transfers just a year after been described as "promising youngsters with a big future in the game". England appoint Steve Coppell as new manager to the total delight of the popular press. FA Cup Final goes to a replay, again.

JUNE Scarborough rocked by new crisis, they whinge about the summer break and prophesise doom as they have no revenue coming in through the turnstiles. Not much difference to the rest of the year. The World Cup starts. Steve Cooper scores winner for Eire in their first game against Italy. His somersault is seen around the world. He out-somersaults Hugo Sanchez as he scores against Mexico in the next game. Who needs a Hugo Sanchez somersault when you can have a Steve Cooper somersault. Reports of soccer yobs at Royal Ascot.

JULY World Cup continues. So do Steve Cooper's scoring exploits. 2 goals in the quarter finals give him 6 in total. Barcelona reported ready to sign him. Semi final ends in tragedy. Cooper scores twice but then breaks an ankle doing a somersault. Jack Charlton blames the uneven college football ground surface for the injury. Whatever, Eire capitulate and Brazil win 4-2. Consolation for Steve Cooper as he finishes the tournament as outright top scorer. Uproar in Scarborough as protestors complain about grown men getting donkey rides on Scarborough beach. Protests subside when they realise its Scarborough FC starting pre season training and the grown men are really on the backs of their team mates. City open negotiations with top Premiership club to sign striker. Soccer yobs reported at British Open Golf Championships as fans run up behind players to get a better view of the action. Ballesteros fined for obscene dance with the flag on the18th hole.

AUGUST Ipswich's 19 year old striker Wayne Plonker joins Rochdale in preference to City. Pre season and Scarborough are confident of promotion despite only having signed on a squad of 8 players. City crash out of The Coca Cola Beechams Lemsip Powders Cup, but go top of the league. Another crisis looms at Scarborough as they lose their first 2 games of the season. Barcelona give Steve Cooper an ultimatum, prove your fitness and we'll still sign you.

SEPTEMBER 3rd. Scarborough hold end of season party after 4 successive defeats. Steve Cooper starts comeback. Liverpool sign Mr Blobby to give their defence some extra weight and bulk. Besides his pink and yellow colouring matches Liverpool's new away kit. Wimbledon win The Fair Play award.

OCTOBER Mike Tyson is released from prison. Signs for Liverpool who have been "lacking punch up front" according to Souness. Rangers triumph in Skol Cup, again. Steve Cooper stars on comeback scoring hat trick against Chelsea. First goal celebrated with simple somersault, second with double backwards somersault and hat trick with triple backwards somersault with a half pike turn. Unfortunately, he crumples on landing and breaks an arm.

NOVEMBER Barcelona grow tired of waiting for Steve Cooper and sign Andy Cole. "Coppell Out", cries the popular press after England lose friendly in Rome. The press is unhappy with his cultured style of football and demand a much more direct long ball game. City crash out of FA Cup after a replay. Premiership clubs vote against planned reduction to 20 clubs because England haven't got any competitive games for the next 2 years. John Barnes wins the monthly award for the fastest hat trick. He breaks an arm, a shoulder and leg inside 2 weeks.

DECEMBER Steve Cooper receives boost in battle to return to full fitness. Receives phone call, "What are you doing in the summer of 1996, fancy a trip to Atlanta", asks British Gymnastic Association as they make plans for 1996 Olympics. I wake up, was it all a dream I ask myself.

P.S. The bit about VAT is true.


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