New Frontiers
House Mates, Best Mates
new frontiers, as ever, bang up to date launched its own tales from York City’s Big Brother house just as the original decides the general public is no longer interested in other people’s sex lives and axes the show. "We’ve got a house with five of the lads in together. That’s worked very well. They are all in one house and that’s why I could attract some players from outside York". Martin Foyle’s vision for his City house, a one stop shop for all City’s new signings. He's able to attract a higher quality of player from further afield and offer a house in York. Big concerns for the player sorted before they even arrive. Last season, we had Steve Hogg driving across The Pennines from Bury every day for training, similarly, others were driving from equally far flung places. Not any more. "Daniel Parslow is in there with Richard Pacquette, Neil Barrett, Alex Lawless and James Meredith and they have hit it off like a house on fire. The mentality in and around the ground is fantastic. It’s early days but I am getting the joy of coming into training knowing we could go on to some better stuff". With a spy in the camp and not a camera in sight, we bring direct to you, live, from the KKC House the summer exploits of those crazy House Mates. With 5 men in a house, don’t expect this it to be PC. If offended, or don’t like clichés, please go back to our home page.
May 11, 2009 Last season’s inmates start to leave the house. Finally, head under a blanket, the last House Mate departs. By a matter of elimination, it must be Onome Sodje. No longer an illegal alien, what’s has he got to hide now? Maybe a new contract with Barnsley that he has told no one about? The event is overseen by this year’s winner, wearing his pinny and waving his cleaning brush, Daniel Parslow says goodbye, what’s he going to do now in that big house, all alone for the long hot summer?
May 21 Martin Foyle firmly shakes his hand, the ink barely dry on the contract.
"James Meredith, welcome to the club. Oh, and you’ll want this". He pulls a thick brown envelope out of his top drawer. The player thinks, the Conference, a bung. Eagerly he opens the envelope. A set of keys drop out. "See that road over there, straight ahead, second left at the chippy, past the launderette and on the right you’ll see kebab house (tell them Martin sent you and you’ll get a discount), opposite is a house with red lights in the upstairs windows. You’re next door. Ask for Daniel, he’s in charge and he’ll make you feel very welcome. James Meredith, welcome to the bright lights of York".
May 22 Dawn breaks bright and clear. James, the latest in a long line of City full backs with no positional sense, now a tired, slightly dishevelled figure has finally reached his destination. Coming from Shrewsbury, the Welsh borders, he perks up at the sight of sheep grazing on the front lawn. He knocks at the front door. Daniel Parslow, wearing a pinny and dusting brush (at least we think is a dusting brush) in hand, opens the door, May 23 Not long later, as Daniel is showing Young Jim the ropes, there’s another knock at the door. A slightly dishevelled Daniel, hurriedly puts his pinny back on, Summer Summer days pass, the 3 housemates spend the long summer evenings getting to know each other better.
June 17 "Oi, Daniel, someone here says the gaffer sent him". A few seconds later, with a resigned look on his face, Daniel appears, "We’re full, I wasn’t expecting any more".
June 18 Adam Boyes reappears. He’s been back to his Mum’s house for a few weeks. He packs his bags and leaves for his holidays on the Costa Del Scunny. He has a bit of a party for the boys because he says he’s not expecting to come back to the house. Sunny Delight and as many haribo sweets as you can eat. He’ll be missed. "We'll miss you", proffers Pacquette, pity about his Wembley miss, thinks Daniel.
June 30 The truth is out. The House Mates vote in favour of keeping the house all male. So the proposed signing of Darius Charles is off. No girlfriends and sprogs allowed. The club, anxious not to let the players seem too powerful, dress the story up as Charles turning down City. Neil Barrett enters the house to spice things up.
July 23 Daniel gets a call from gaffer, the gang set about tidying up the box room. Top Trumps cards, soiled nappies and crayons all go into the bin.
July 24 Just as the room is finally cleared there’s a knock on the door. Its carpet fitter extraordinaire, Steve Bowey, back in York. "Things must be desperate if you’ve come back", is Daniel's greeting. "No don’t be daft, I wasn’t even good enough 2 years ago. Boss says he’s got a big new signing and he wants to make him welcome, so I’ve come to fit a new carpet in his room".
July 25 Enter Michael Gash, "I can’t even stretch out in this little room and the carpet smells". He proceeds to squash the remains of his sandwich into the new carpet to give it that lived in feeling.
July 31 Frenetic cleaning around the house as its rent day tomorrow. Daniel reminds the house mates of the house rules (stressing Rule 3).
Gash adds his own rule, "Don't anyone eat any of my chocolate from my room, I've got 24 large packets of Celebration chocolates". The others all think, even if he eats a boxful every time he scores,he won't get fat, little knowing it is his comfort food every time he doesn't score.
August 1 Sophie arrives, she struggles to get through the front door such is the size of the pile of unopened post. Sophie’s not in a good mood, "Not more of Onome’s Nigerian banking scam post", she mutters to herself. "He’s on good money now he’s legit", she gathers up the post and throws it into the dustbin.
August 3 Following the Subway 4 incident, there is a house curfew. The players are all tucked up in bed by 9:30. Daniel is happy.
August 6 2 days to the new season. The boss re-iterates the 48 hours before a game sex ban. Daniel’s face drops. What will he do for the next 2 nights with the guys?
Disclaimer: The opinions and views stated in new frontiers are solely those of new frontiers and do not necessarily represent those of York City Football Club or York City South (a branch of The York City Football Club Supporters Club). The characters portrayed may or may not be based on real people (and judging by some of their on the field performances they are not real) and their exploits may or not be bent to fit the truth. If you've been affected in any way by this article, follow the A64 all the way to the seaside and you'll find another club to support. The real house was on Askham Lane and was believed to be in a poor state of repair when the lease expired, having suffered "excessive wear and tear".
"What do you want?"
"I’m James, the gaffa sent me, but I got a bit lost".
Daniel thinks to himself, great, a defender with no sense of position or direction. As the sheep baa in the background, Daniel opens up and proffers, "It seems like weeks since I saw a fellow human, I bought the sheep to keep me company, come on in, come in my back room, you’re welcome to make yourself feel at home".
"What do you want? We’re busy".
"I’m Richard Pacquette, I scored against Liverpool".
"I’m Daniel, I’m an international, I’ve played for Wales C, you know".
"I’ll sleep anywhere", begs the new signing. Parslow’s face lights up and offers, "You can share my bed". Fortunately, our groundsman saves the day, with a bit of help from the club shop staff during their dinner hour, they run up a hammock from an old goal net and hang it in the hall way. Bed sharing not required. Alex Lawless, welcome to The House.