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Welcome Aboard The Monks Cross Express (aka The Slow Train To Nowhere)

A on board train announcement from LNER

Good day, this is Stevie Mac, captain of todayís train crew. On behalf of The City Of York Council (CoYC), we are pleased to announce we will be shortly arriving at the Delayed Stadium, brought to you by our sponsors, experts in delayed trains, LNER. How shortly, I cannot yet confirm.

We apologise for the delayed departure from Bootham Crescent and would like to further apologise if some of the amenities that you would expect to find at a top class amenity are unavailable. Also, I've just been informed the toilets are closed dueto drainage issues.

Iím unable to confirm the exact reasons for the delays as no one at CoYC HQ can help.

Please note, kick off may be delayed, or even cancelled due to the wrong type of snow in winter, leaves falling on terraces in autumn and excessive summer heat leading to a hard and dangerous pitch and pitch markings becoming buckled.

However, I am pleased to say that at the moment, no delays and cancellations are expected in springtime, although the risk of incompetence, our council stewards and operatives going sick or otherwise being unavailable are ever present risks.

Furthermore, CoYC take no responsibility for any delays or any failure to publish an expected arrival time. You must seek redress from another party such as GLL, Buckingham, LNER, York City or York City Knights, in fact anyone but us. CoYC and LNER are unable to help.

Please ensure you have bought a ticket for your journey before you enter the ground. Failure to purchase one may lead to a penalty fine, in extreme cases you may be subject to extra time.

A whole host of tickets are available, none with early booking discounts, although those who buy their tickets early should get the best seats. However, failure to sit in your own reserved seat may lead to you being asked to leave.

Please note, todayís journey to Division 1 will be delayed as the express line is closed for maintenance and we will take a scenic detour along the local line stopping at all stations along the National League and Division 2. We are currently unable to confirm our arrival time. Our driver Steve and his fireman, Micky expect a smooth journey (but canít discount a few bumps on the way) and promise theyíll get us to our destination as quickly as possible but canít discount delays caused by signing the wrong type of player and strikers being in the wrong place.

However, given the nature of the delays, refunds are available in the form of advanced season tickets at a reduced early bird price. Also, to help compensate for the delays, we will be offering tickets to York City Knights games for the foolhardy.

Have a nice delay.